Life Updates of a Larger Magnitude

I am tired, and beaten down, and ready to give up. I want to go home. I want to quit the fight because I feel l’ve already lost, but will carry on until the end because I feel I have to. I am upset because I feel that the fight was not fair, that the truth was not told, and that even though I’ve tried to do my best, my character has been called into question. I don’t know why I ever expected the fight to be fair. I know that in a few months, this will not matter. But it matters now and I am incredibly upset by it. And my karma is all screwed up.

What makes me… me? I want to know, I want to hold on to the essentials and strip away or refine the rest, so that someday I can look back at this and remember who I’m supposed to be. And make sure I haven’t strayed too far from that. So what makes me me? I am an optimist. I am happy. Vocally, actively, sometimes even annoyingly (but more often entertainingly) happy. I am capable. I am intelligent, and able to think things through on my own, although I’ve noticed a trend in myself where I will let others do for me what I can do for myself. And that is not what I want to be. I am adventurous. I have a million things I want to try, most of them only once or twice, but at least once. I am compassionate. That’s a good start for now...

I read this article about growing up… how we almost always settle for our second favorite thing… our second favorite job, particularly, but other things as well. And how if our younger selves could see us now they would be disappointed… But it also talked about how having our second favorite leads us to fantasize and still yearn for our favorite… meaning that we still have hope. Basically, if all of our desires are satisfied, then what is there left to strive and wish for? And then I wonder, does this mean that if we are slightly discontent (meaning, things are good, but we think things could be better), does that mean we are, in actuality, really truly happy because we still have hope?? If we fulfilled what we thought was our ultimate aspiration, would life be empty? Is that what the adrenaline junkies have found? Is this why they’re out they’re living the life they always dreamed of, but they still need to push the envelope? And why do we think so much? Because surely this l...

First, I'm psyched that I can still blog while underway. Yay for me! We've now been gone for over 2 weeks and we've still got many to go. On the up side, we pulled in to St. Marten this past weekend and had a FANTASTIC time... I'll just pull a few stories from the email I sent out and that way i don't have to type as much :) .... On Saturday we grabbed a cab and asked him to take us to our hotel – the Orient Bay. So he drops us off and says “just walk up the beach and your hotel is right there”. So we start walking and realize – it’s a naked beach! Nakedness everywhere! I’m so glad I had my sunglasses on… I just put my head down and kept walking, but I was trying so hard not to giggle. There are 3 of us trudging through this sea of nakedness, completely clothed, with bags on our backs, and I hear someone say “you’re overdressed!” of course I burst out laughing at that… Then we finally get to the hotel and realize – naked people everywhere! Naked laundry,...

first off - happy birthday naomi and cati :) i know i'll miss them both so i want to safe. and malinda and susie while i'm at it. :) darn you spring babies, you were all the result of a cabin fever! second - tomorrow we get underway for a few months. so i'm begging you - send me funny stories, silly pictures, rampant ramblings or whatever else crosses your mind that makes you think of me :) my ship email address is fowlerr@washington.navy.mil i'll be waiting! ps - if you've emailed me recently and i haven't replied yet, it's because i've been busy like fox, but i still love you and i will reply soon!! :)

so today i realized that i have been missing out on 2 very american things, and not even knowing it! and the REASON i didn't know it was because everyone talks about them so much, i just assumed i had experienced them. what are these 2 mysterious things you ask?!?!?! let me tell you! TWINKIES. and TRADER JOES. ok, trade joes may not be the epitome of america, but i have heard about it a ton. and as for twinkies - did you know, i had never had an honest to goodness, real deal twinkie until yesterday, when one of my guys gave me (not one but) 2! they're like heaven wrapped in cake! amazing. and trader joes, well, i happened by one this morning and strolled on in (and of course told them that i had a friend who was a manager at TJ Massachusetts, because what kind of friend would i be if i didn't brag a little?) good stuff. can't wait to cook up something scrumptious. after that i did a little spring shopping (gotta love the cute new stuff and hate the retarded ugl...

another perfect PRT for me - i'm so darn good :) i even beat my last swim time by 7 seconds, which is amazing since i've only been in the pool 3 times since last november. 101 situps, 46 pushups, and less than 7 minutes in the pool :) sweet! work hasn't gotten much better, but i'm learning how to deal. pretty much i've just been beat down, and now i just take deep breaths and hold on for another day... i've made it through one year, i know i can make it through one more. and there are some good days. plus, i have this faint hope that once our next inspection is over with things will get better... we're getting underway soon for a few months, and making some fantastic port visits in the carribean.... sandy beaches and fruity drinks, HERE I COME! i honestly can not wait. plus, we've been building up to this for so long that i just want to get underway and get it over with. and hopefully, my wonderful husband will be flying down to meet me on the...