The Malaise
The teenage years and 20 somethings are filled with so much HOPE for the future. We don't know exactly what it's going to turn into, but it's going to great. And then at some point, we achieve some of our goals, perhaps at the expense of others, and a general feeling of malaise sets in. Is this it? Am I doing it wrong? The hope for the future dials down a few notches - likely we'll maintain the happiness we have now and achieve some good things, but 20 years from now we know we'll probably be much the same person we are now. I have a friend going through that right now and I'm glad to realize that, even though I was there a few months ago, I'm not in it right now. But here is what I've learned since I was in the trough...
The things that we all want to have a perfect life seem to be family, enjoyable job, and good friends.* When I consider the people I know, it seems like achieving 2 out of 3 is about as far as we get. I think this was where I was at when the book Resisting Happiness discovered me. The point where I started to think "What's the point?" and shifted that to "What's my purpose?"
Since then, because I've been open to that conversation, I feel like it's been attracted to me and I've heard similar stories from so many people I know. People who, from the outside, seem like they've got it all figured out. But deep down, there's a sense of being adrift. So that's why I'm writing this post. I wanted to let you know that no one has it figured out. This melancholy seems to be a part of the human experience. And maybe by recognizing that we can put it in a box, and start to have the conversation with ourselves, "Ok. There are things I'm missing, but so is everyone else. This is not a unique snowflake experience." By doing that, you can take away its power a bit.
I don't think you can will yourself into having the piece you feel is missing. Just because you wish for the perfect mate to start a family with doesn't make them magically appear. If you hate your job, quitting it today won't make the right job suddenly happen. If you don't have any friends, you can't just go to a meetup and have instant connection. But there are things you can do. You can't find the perfect mate or instant deep friendships or a fulfilling job - but you can think long and hard about what activity brings you joy and start regularly adding that into your life. For one of my friends, this is glass art. For another, it's yoga. For another, it's triathlons. For another, it's soccer. For another, it's volunteering. This is a gateway to friendship, for sure. Maybe to a soulmate. Maybe even to a job. But I think you have to do it, and once you do it, you have to let your new friends know why you're doing it. Don't just sit in a corner silently. Tell them, "I wanted more joy and friendship in my life, so I'm here." Because otherwise, they will mistakenly think you have your shit together and, not wanting to look like the failure, they will not reach out and say, "I could use a friend too. Let's go get a beer." or "He wants a more fulfilling job, I know this soccer coaching position that would be right up his alley."
The sad thing is that when things start to get tough, this will be the first thing you let go of, and probably the one thing you need most to get through the tough time. So here is my give for the day... if you need encouragement, shoot me a message. I will help you brainstorm or hold you accountable to adding that thing to your life. And when I'm down, I hope someone will do the same for me.
*For some people, there is a 4th, and that is a good relationship with God. I'd say I'm pretty close to all 4 on this very day, so I'm not going to be an asshat and pretend that I'm not.
The things that we all want to have a perfect life seem to be family, enjoyable job, and good friends.* When I consider the people I know, it seems like achieving 2 out of 3 is about as far as we get. I think this was where I was at when the book Resisting Happiness discovered me. The point where I started to think "What's the point?" and shifted that to "What's my purpose?"
Since then, because I've been open to that conversation, I feel like it's been attracted to me and I've heard similar stories from so many people I know. People who, from the outside, seem like they've got it all figured out. But deep down, there's a sense of being adrift. So that's why I'm writing this post. I wanted to let you know that no one has it figured out. This melancholy seems to be a part of the human experience. And maybe by recognizing that we can put it in a box, and start to have the conversation with ourselves, "Ok. There are things I'm missing, but so is everyone else. This is not a unique snowflake experience." By doing that, you can take away its power a bit.
I don't think you can will yourself into having the piece you feel is missing. Just because you wish for the perfect mate to start a family with doesn't make them magically appear. If you hate your job, quitting it today won't make the right job suddenly happen. If you don't have any friends, you can't just go to a meetup and have instant connection. But there are things you can do. You can't find the perfect mate or instant deep friendships or a fulfilling job - but you can think long and hard about what activity brings you joy and start regularly adding that into your life. For one of my friends, this is glass art. For another, it's yoga. For another, it's triathlons. For another, it's soccer. For another, it's volunteering. This is a gateway to friendship, for sure. Maybe to a soulmate. Maybe even to a job. But I think you have to do it, and once you do it, you have to let your new friends know why you're doing it. Don't just sit in a corner silently. Tell them, "I wanted more joy and friendship in my life, so I'm here." Because otherwise, they will mistakenly think you have your shit together and, not wanting to look like the failure, they will not reach out and say, "I could use a friend too. Let's go get a beer." or "He wants a more fulfilling job, I know this soccer coaching position that would be right up his alley."
The sad thing is that when things start to get tough, this will be the first thing you let go of, and probably the one thing you need most to get through the tough time. So here is my give for the day... if you need encouragement, shoot me a message. I will help you brainstorm or hold you accountable to adding that thing to your life. And when I'm down, I hope someone will do the same for me.
*For some people, there is a 4th, and that is a good relationship with God. I'd say I'm pretty close to all 4 on this very day, so I'm not going to be an asshat and pretend that I'm not.
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