Oh my God
A random pre-note: When people say "Oh my God!", casually, in conversation or as an exclamation, I cringe inside.
I'm home alone tonight, settling in before my triathlon tomorrow morning. As I was trying to go to sleep I did a mental tally of my life and ended up saying a not silent prayer of gratitude. I simply repeated the word thank you each time I thought of a good thing in my life. There were a lot of "Thank Yous" said. Lately I've been stressed about work, and even in the thick of it I know that it's a good problem to have. In my musings I started to remember a Jars of Clay song that I heard them sing once; it had a profound impact on me at the time. A poignant counter-point to my current gratitude. I was drawn to dig it up and listen to it in the dark of my silent house. The last minute or so is what gets me every time...
It still hits me the same, the place he sings from. It's the place of someone who has seen the worst the world has to offer - maybe not to him, but to those innocents around him - and it has wounded him fundamentally. He is broken and sullen. It has shaken his faith, but I don't think you need to believe in a higher power to empathize. It is the way any decent human being should feel when faced with the inequities of the world: outraged, sad, helpless, frustrated...
Some days I cannot forgive
These days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep.
I am hiding from that feeling. I don't want to be shaken. It's much easier to focus on career choices, travel, home ownership and family life, than feel obligated to give back for the all the Haves that I have. To expose my happy bubble to the unhappy existence on the outside and shoulder their frustrations. And yet, deep down, a tiny part of me does want to be shaken... why? Why would I want that?
It would be easy to say that it's a part of my Christianity. If you don't believe in an after life, does that mean that you don't feel any altruistic longings? I doubt that. I think we all want a better world, a just world. I don't think many of us act on it. I think am screwing up the courage to figure out if I will be one of the few...
I also know that it will fundamentally change me, and to be honest, I am worried how that will impact my marriage. You don't marry a person and they stay the same. You both change, and you grow. And you have to grow together, or else... you grow apart. Becoming Parent was a huge shift for Team Shea, and I think we did a pretty super job of growing together. But me, diving into the world of dirty and downtrodden humanity to make a few lives breathe easier? That sounds stressful, and grueling, and very low paying. Probably highly gratifying - for me. For the other half of me? I just don't know...
The other thing I struggle with is how much of a difference can one person actually make? Let's be honest, I know I'm no Mother Theresa or Ghandi. I have no aspirations (or patience) for that. Even if I help out 5 people, 10 people, 100 people... I can't fix the problem. It'll go back to the way it was as soon as I leave. Why bother?
"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded." Oh yea?
This post was inspired by Cathe, who alluded to finding some time to get back to writing and soul searching. Thanks. (I think?)
I'm home alone tonight, settling in before my triathlon tomorrow morning. As I was trying to go to sleep I did a mental tally of my life and ended up saying a not silent prayer of gratitude. I simply repeated the word thank you each time I thought of a good thing in my life. There were a lot of "Thank Yous" said. Lately I've been stressed about work, and even in the thick of it I know that it's a good problem to have. In my musings I started to remember a Jars of Clay song that I heard them sing once; it had a profound impact on me at the time. A poignant counter-point to my current gratitude. I was drawn to dig it up and listen to it in the dark of my silent house. The last minute or so is what gets me every time...
It still hits me the same, the place he sings from. It's the place of someone who has seen the worst the world has to offer - maybe not to him, but to those innocents around him - and it has wounded him fundamentally. He is broken and sullen. It has shaken his faith, but I don't think you need to believe in a higher power to empathize. It is the way any decent human being should feel when faced with the inequities of the world: outraged, sad, helpless, frustrated...
Some days I cannot forgive
These days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep.
I am hiding from that feeling. I don't want to be shaken. It's much easier to focus on career choices, travel, home ownership and family life, than feel obligated to give back for the all the Haves that I have. To expose my happy bubble to the unhappy existence on the outside and shoulder their frustrations. And yet, deep down, a tiny part of me does want to be shaken... why? Why would I want that?
It would be easy to say that it's a part of my Christianity. If you don't believe in an after life, does that mean that you don't feel any altruistic longings? I doubt that. I think we all want a better world, a just world. I don't think many of us act on it. I think am screwing up the courage to figure out if I will be one of the few...
I also know that it will fundamentally change me, and to be honest, I am worried how that will impact my marriage. You don't marry a person and they stay the same. You both change, and you grow. And you have to grow together, or else... you grow apart. Becoming Parent was a huge shift for Team Shea, and I think we did a pretty super job of growing together. But me, diving into the world of dirty and downtrodden humanity to make a few lives breathe easier? That sounds stressful, and grueling, and very low paying. Probably highly gratifying - for me. For the other half of me? I just don't know...
The other thing I struggle with is how much of a difference can one person actually make? Let's be honest, I know I'm no Mother Theresa or Ghandi. I have no aspirations (or patience) for that. Even if I help out 5 people, 10 people, 100 people... I can't fix the problem. It'll go back to the way it was as soon as I leave. Why bother?
"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded." Oh yea?
This post was inspired by Cathe, who alluded to finding some time to get back to writing and soul searching. Thanks. (I think?)
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