Be HERE
I should be sleeping, but the truth is, I'm so stressed out that I can't possibly sleep. So perhaps a little blog will help.
I have mentioned before that my life is so incredibly blessed I can't ever be grateful enough. Right? If not, it is so. Last week I went to Boston for my annual review and had some potentially life changing good news. I got promoted to Senior Engineer, which at first I wasn't so sure I deserved, but upon further reflection - I think I do a good job of pulling my own weight. (Also, the congrats emails from coworkers that I respect helped to bolster my confidence). Second, hopefully in the not too distant future I may be officially managing some people. And then the kicker, I got nominated for an executive MBA program in the "Emerging Leader" category (company funded even), and found out a few short hours later that I got in. (Got very in, actually. Pretty high up on the list if I understood the conversation correctly). Part A was awesome. Part B was awesomer, and a piece of my 3-5 year plan, definitely not my 1 year plan, so I was a little flustered. And part C literally left me speechless. No words. None.
And since that moment, I have been in a constant state of manic stress. 6 days of extremely tight muscles. I like to joke that I don't have a 5 year plan, I have many. But usually my 1 year plans are pretty solid, and it just got blown out of the water. You see, not 3 weeks ago I was talking to Matt about having baby #3 and maybe looking to chill out on work some. Granted, that was one of many plans. But the baby #3 part was pretty much on the mental calendar. And now - management promotion on top of an MBA program make pregnancy and new baby seem like insanity. Everything about this seems like insanity. Add to that the fact that I'm in a pretty intense week at work, and the fact that my company is undergoing a multi-month, very combative transitional period, and I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't know what to do. I love my family and do not want to put work ahead of them, but I'm not sure this is a zero sum game. I really enjoy my job, and I love that I can do something that few other people can do. I have been incredibly blessed and lucky to have these opportunities. But I was so looking forward to this year settling into a nice routine, taking a mental breather before launching into my the next phase of my life...
When passing along advice this past weekend, I said something to the effect of, "When Matt and I go through stuff, we talk it out. And talk and talk and talk. And eventually, where the answer seemed murky at the beginning, something eventually becomes obvious." I know this is one of those situations. Little by little we'll work out the kinks, and more details will come to light (like, ANYTHING about this program, which is a complete black hole). But until then, I can't sleep. And I need to sleep in order to do my job efficiently so I can have time for my family. And I am doing a triathlon in 2 weeks that I was incredibly excited for until this happened (now it just seems like more work). And I am going to a wedding this weekend that I was incredibly excited for until this happened (now I just want to sit home and regroup).
PS - Last year at nearly this same exact time, I hit uber-stress mode. And the triathlons went away. Coincidence??
**Update** I decided to put an end to my misery and call someone directly to find out more about this program. It is not actually an MBA program (*phew*) but more a leadership cultivation program. The basics are (I think) that it is 18 months, 16 people, and I travel for a 2-4 day seminar every 4 months or so. There are also projects to work on in between, but overall, I don't think it will be as overwhelming as I had feared. Feeling much better and much more unreservedly excited about it. Details should be arriving in the next week or 2.
I have mentioned before that my life is so incredibly blessed I can't ever be grateful enough. Right? If not, it is so. Last week I went to Boston for my annual review and had some potentially life changing good news. I got promoted to Senior Engineer, which at first I wasn't so sure I deserved, but upon further reflection - I think I do a good job of pulling my own weight. (Also, the congrats emails from coworkers that I respect helped to bolster my confidence). Second, hopefully in the not too distant future I may be officially managing some people. And then the kicker, I got nominated for an executive MBA program in the "Emerging Leader" category (company funded even), and found out a few short hours later that I got in. (Got very in, actually. Pretty high up on the list if I understood the conversation correctly). Part A was awesome. Part B was awesomer, and a piece of my 3-5 year plan, definitely not my 1 year plan, so I was a little flustered. And part C literally left me speechless. No words. None.
And since that moment, I have been in a constant state of manic stress. 6 days of extremely tight muscles. I like to joke that I don't have a 5 year plan, I have many. But usually my 1 year plans are pretty solid, and it just got blown out of the water. You see, not 3 weeks ago I was talking to Matt about having baby #3 and maybe looking to chill out on work some. Granted, that was one of many plans. But the baby #3 part was pretty much on the mental calendar. And now - management promotion on top of an MBA program make pregnancy and new baby seem like insanity. Everything about this seems like insanity. Add to that the fact that I'm in a pretty intense week at work, and the fact that my company is undergoing a multi-month, very combative transitional period, and I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't know what to do. I love my family and do not want to put work ahead of them, but I'm not sure this is a zero sum game. I really enjoy my job, and I love that I can do something that few other people can do. I have been incredibly blessed and lucky to have these opportunities. But I was so looking forward to this year settling into a nice routine, taking a mental breather before launching into my the next phase of my life...
When passing along advice this past weekend, I said something to the effect of, "When Matt and I go through stuff, we talk it out. And talk and talk and talk. And eventually, where the answer seemed murky at the beginning, something eventually becomes obvious." I know this is one of those situations. Little by little we'll work out the kinks, and more details will come to light (like, ANYTHING about this program, which is a complete black hole). But until then, I can't sleep. And I need to sleep in order to do my job efficiently so I can have time for my family. And I am doing a triathlon in 2 weeks that I was incredibly excited for until this happened (now it just seems like more work). And I am going to a wedding this weekend that I was incredibly excited for until this happened (now I just want to sit home and regroup).
PS - Last year at nearly this same exact time, I hit uber-stress mode. And the triathlons went away. Coincidence??
**Update** I decided to put an end to my misery and call someone directly to find out more about this program. It is not actually an MBA program (*phew*) but more a leadership cultivation program. The basics are (I think) that it is 18 months, 16 people, and I travel for a 2-4 day seminar every 4 months or so. There are also projects to work on in between, but overall, I don't think it will be as overwhelming as I had feared. Feeling much better and much more unreservedly excited about it. Details should be arriving in the next week or 2.
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