Marriage Encounter
For my birthday, I asked Matt to go on a marriage retreat with me. This is not what I necessarily wanted to be doing on my birthday, nor does it fit with the traditional idea of a gift. It was not "fun", but it was definitely good. That's my thought after a bit of reflection, although it took me at few hours post-weekend to decide that. And no, we're not having marital issues. That's not the point. Like going to the gym, the point was to keep our marriage in good shape.
So anyway, the weekend was organized by a group called Marriage Encounter. My parents were heavily involved with it when I was young, and because my parents rock, I thought it must be worthwhile. Also, they met some of their best friends through it, and they rock too.
I am not going to go too in-depth into the weekend, just paint a broad picture. It's hosted at a hotel, you show up Friday night, and it goes on for the next 44 hours. There were 3 married couples and one priest leading it, and about 20 other couples attending. The underlying idea is that they teach you a tool for communication ("Dialogue"), and then they force you to use that tool with your spouse for the next day and half. Essentially they ask you a question related to some area of your relationship, you write about your FEELINGS (ugh, feelings.) and then you share that journal with your spouse and you talk about whoever had the strongest FEELINGS. It is very intense. A couple would present the topic, and then they would read their Dialogue on it, and then you would go back to your room to write and talk about it. You don't share your stuff with the other couples there, just each other. And there was a lot of junk food.
A couple of things stand out though. #1, quite a few of the couples do not apparently communicate regularly like Matt Shea and I do. They kept saying things like "This is amazing! I feel so reconnected!" I got mad because I wasn't feeling anything magical. I wrote about THAT feeling. #2, 44 hours is a long time to spend in a hotel with your spouse, talking about your feelings, especially for this not super emotional couple. By Sunday afternoon I was exhausted and feeling drained and cornered. (and I wrote "I feel like a porcupine. If you come into my space I will shoot you with a quill.")
And I still think the weekend was worth it. You know why? Because it's really easy to gloss over things and move on. This forced us to get more in tune, showed us that other couples go through this stuff too, and gave us specific and varied topics for discussion. At one point Matt likened it to being in college - you are trapped in a building or campus with nothing to do but talk. You really learn a lot, even if you think there is nothing left to learn.
And finally, the priest part. I have never really had a personal relationship with a priest. I think that the recent scandals have caused a lot of priests to withdraw into themselves because they are afraid of being attacked. Nor have I really made any effort to befriend a priest. During this weekend I got to hear a priest talk about his life (he was married for 20 years, and then his wife died. Then he became a priest), why he wanted to be one, the trials he has faced in the past, the feelings that he has had to face. It was awesome. It made me cry. I am definitely a better person for it.
In short, I definitely recommend it, although I really only recommend it for people who have been married a few years. Some of the stuff was basic reconnecting: "What attracted me to you? What are your best qualities? What was the most romantic part of our wedding day?" Like I said to Matt - if you told a girl 5 years ago she was pretty, that doesn't mean that it's still true today. Maybe she's been on a steady Twinkie diet since then. Just because you've said something in the past, sometimes we need to hear it again to know that it's still true. :)
So anyway, the weekend was organized by a group called Marriage Encounter. My parents were heavily involved with it when I was young, and because my parents rock, I thought it must be worthwhile. Also, they met some of their best friends through it, and they rock too.
I am not going to go too in-depth into the weekend, just paint a broad picture. It's hosted at a hotel, you show up Friday night, and it goes on for the next 44 hours. There were 3 married couples and one priest leading it, and about 20 other couples attending. The underlying idea is that they teach you a tool for communication ("Dialogue"), and then they force you to use that tool with your spouse for the next day and half. Essentially they ask you a question related to some area of your relationship, you write about your FEELINGS (ugh, feelings.) and then you share that journal with your spouse and you talk about whoever had the strongest FEELINGS. It is very intense. A couple would present the topic, and then they would read their Dialogue on it, and then you would go back to your room to write and talk about it. You don't share your stuff with the other couples there, just each other. And there was a lot of junk food.
A couple of things stand out though. #1, quite a few of the couples do not apparently communicate regularly like Matt Shea and I do. They kept saying things like "This is amazing! I feel so reconnected!" I got mad because I wasn't feeling anything magical. I wrote about THAT feeling. #2, 44 hours is a long time to spend in a hotel with your spouse, talking about your feelings, especially for this not super emotional couple. By Sunday afternoon I was exhausted and feeling drained and cornered. (and I wrote "I feel like a porcupine. If you come into my space I will shoot you with a quill.")
And I still think the weekend was worth it. You know why? Because it's really easy to gloss over things and move on. This forced us to get more in tune, showed us that other couples go through this stuff too, and gave us specific and varied topics for discussion. At one point Matt likened it to being in college - you are trapped in a building or campus with nothing to do but talk. You really learn a lot, even if you think there is nothing left to learn.
And finally, the priest part. I have never really had a personal relationship with a priest. I think that the recent scandals have caused a lot of priests to withdraw into themselves because they are afraid of being attacked. Nor have I really made any effort to befriend a priest. During this weekend I got to hear a priest talk about his life (he was married for 20 years, and then his wife died. Then he became a priest), why he wanted to be one, the trials he has faced in the past, the feelings that he has had to face. It was awesome. It made me cry. I am definitely a better person for it.
In short, I definitely recommend it, although I really only recommend it for people who have been married a few years. Some of the stuff was basic reconnecting: "What attracted me to you? What are your best qualities? What was the most romantic part of our wedding day?" Like I said to Matt - if you told a girl 5 years ago she was pretty, that doesn't mean that it's still true today. Maybe she's been on a steady Twinkie diet since then. Just because you've said something in the past, sometimes we need to hear it again to know that it's still true. :)
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