Deep thoughts
(as told by an excerpt from an email)
With the end of another year comes a bit of expected introspection. I've been thinking about this past year and what I wanted to accomplish. A lot about things I've started and haven't finished (simple things mostly - keeping on top of memories through blogs and pictures, writing thank you notes, etc). A lot about how I've evolved this year and what that means for the future (no progress there). And a bit about mortality. Really depressing and overwhelming, that one. I also had this moment at Church on Sunday (when I was hungover and not actually in church, but outside chasing Eve while the rest of the family was there) - it was a strange reflection on how vast the universe is and the fact that Christianity is most likely not the one true path because I believe that there must be life on other planets and my pea-brain can't comprehend what that would be like. And even the fact that we would be so smug as to think we nailed down the "One True" anything is probably absurd. It was a weird convergence of hangover, Ender's Game, a slideshow I recently watched on the Hubble Telescope, and religion.
And again, all these hefty things kinda stress me out, because I really want to sit down and explore them, but I don't have enough energy to do that and the rest of life.
End excerpt.
Today I heard some terrible news about friends of my parents that have been a fixture in my life since grade school. Along the lines of super aggressive cancer and imminent death (hard to write, that one). They are both joyful sources of good in this world, and I am devastated that he is going through this, and that she has to find a way to deal with this, and the realization that soon she will be without him. I have been so blessed in recent years that I have been holding my breath waiting for the trials that mark Life, and even so - this is not one of mine. I won't claim the level of grief that comes from being intimately involved.
It made me miss my parents and reflect on what I would do without them. They are both now in their late 60s, and I feel even more acutely that they could be gone tomorrow - or around for another 30 years. I am afraid something terrible is going to happen and I will forever regret having moved to Florida instead of PA. I am afraid that if either of them got sick, they wouldn't tell us until it was too late. I am afraid of spending years missing them, something that I know is going to happen no matter what. I am afraid that something will happen to either one of them, which will cause us to move back, and then I will have missed the opportunity to make memories with them as a (generally) happy couple, but will instead only hear the second hand stories. In short, I am sad. But like any other decision, I am trying to base my current life choices in joy and possibility, and not fear of what might happen. So hopefully after a little wallow, this sad will pass, and I will be more diligent about making memories with them from far away, and making those memories count. Hopefully.
With the end of another year comes a bit of expected introspection. I've been thinking about this past year and what I wanted to accomplish. A lot about things I've started and haven't finished (simple things mostly - keeping on top of memories through blogs and pictures, writing thank you notes, etc). A lot about how I've evolved this year and what that means for the future (no progress there). And a bit about mortality. Really depressing and overwhelming, that one. I also had this moment at Church on Sunday (when I was hungover and not actually in church, but outside chasing Eve while the rest of the family was there) - it was a strange reflection on how vast the universe is and the fact that Christianity is most likely not the one true path because I believe that there must be life on other planets and my pea-brain can't comprehend what that would be like. And even the fact that we would be so smug as to think we nailed down the "One True" anything is probably absurd. It was a weird convergence of hangover, Ender's Game, a slideshow I recently watched on the Hubble Telescope, and religion.
And again, all these hefty things kinda stress me out, because I really want to sit down and explore them, but I don't have enough energy to do that and the rest of life.
End excerpt.
Today I heard some terrible news about friends of my parents that have been a fixture in my life since grade school. Along the lines of super aggressive cancer and imminent death (hard to write, that one). They are both joyful sources of good in this world, and I am devastated that he is going through this, and that she has to find a way to deal with this, and the realization that soon she will be without him. I have been so blessed in recent years that I have been holding my breath waiting for the trials that mark Life, and even so - this is not one of mine. I won't claim the level of grief that comes from being intimately involved.
It made me miss my parents and reflect on what I would do without them. They are both now in their late 60s, and I feel even more acutely that they could be gone tomorrow - or around for another 30 years. I am afraid something terrible is going to happen and I will forever regret having moved to Florida instead of PA. I am afraid that if either of them got sick, they wouldn't tell us until it was too late. I am afraid of spending years missing them, something that I know is going to happen no matter what. I am afraid that something will happen to either one of them, which will cause us to move back, and then I will have missed the opportunity to make memories with them as a (generally) happy couple, but will instead only hear the second hand stories. In short, I am sad. But like any other decision, I am trying to base my current life choices in joy and possibility, and not fear of what might happen. So hopefully after a little wallow, this sad will pass, and I will be more diligent about making memories with them from far away, and making those memories count. Hopefully.
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