Still waters run deep
(A bit of a delayed post)
I've been at a work conference in Framingham this week, and aside from the pretty awesome experience that it has been, I ALSO had the opportunity to hang out with Nboat tonight since she volunteered to come find me! We had a great night visiting with some of my new/old work friends, then capped the night at Olive Garden. A lot of back story that's probably unnecessary, but is the lead in to this...
At dinner I admitted to her that I feel like I just may be the least fun version of Beka that has existed. I am not unhappy, but I am... in transition, I guess. I think this has been a gradual process over the past few years. The things that brought me certain joy in the past now tire me. I hold on to this expectation of what I should like and not like, how I should act, and when I take stock I just don't seem to measure up anymore. This brings disappointment, a resolution to do better, resignation to the state of life.
I think I need a new yardstick.
My immediate theory about the root of this malaise was that I have been working my butt off and have kids, and that if either of those were less demanding I would be living la vida loca and loving every minute of it. Now I am not so sure. Now I am convinced that it is not the circumstances that have changed me, but the simple fact that I am evolving. I am deeper, more substantial, less frivolous. A night out at the bar does not entertain. A night with my family where I feel like I have lived up to my end of creating a better community does. Even if it's the simple act of walking around the block with popsicles. For my children I am making a memory and showing them the love they deserve. For my neighbors we are holding up a picture of what family life can be, and if they stop to talk, then we are building our community. This is what brings me joy now. I have been evolving from a light, bright, bubbling brook to a more purposeful stream. I imagine as things go on I will continue to get deeper, broader, stiller. Hopefully this recognition will help me embrace each new phase of Beka that comes around and love her just as much.
I've been at a work conference in Framingham this week, and aside from the pretty awesome experience that it has been, I ALSO had the opportunity to hang out with Nboat tonight since she volunteered to come find me! We had a great night visiting with some of my new/old work friends, then capped the night at Olive Garden. A lot of back story that's probably unnecessary, but is the lead in to this...
At dinner I admitted to her that I feel like I just may be the least fun version of Beka that has existed. I am not unhappy, but I am... in transition, I guess. I think this has been a gradual process over the past few years. The things that brought me certain joy in the past now tire me. I hold on to this expectation of what I should like and not like, how I should act, and when I take stock I just don't seem to measure up anymore. This brings disappointment, a resolution to do better, resignation to the state of life.
I think I need a new yardstick.
My immediate theory about the root of this malaise was that I have been working my butt off and have kids, and that if either of those were less demanding I would be living la vida loca and loving every minute of it. Now I am not so sure. Now I am convinced that it is not the circumstances that have changed me, but the simple fact that I am evolving. I am deeper, more substantial, less frivolous. A night out at the bar does not entertain. A night with my family where I feel like I have lived up to my end of creating a better community does. Even if it's the simple act of walking around the block with popsicles. For my children I am making a memory and showing them the love they deserve. For my neighbors we are holding up a picture of what family life can be, and if they stop to talk, then we are building our community. This is what brings me joy now. I have been evolving from a light, bright, bubbling brook to a more purposeful stream. I imagine as things go on I will continue to get deeper, broader, stiller. Hopefully this recognition will help me embrace each new phase of Beka that comes around and love her just as much.
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